It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young
nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the
way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed
not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever
he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked
Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister,"
said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did
that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John
was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was
washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the
Lord keeps the Keyto Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to
Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father
John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said
the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr.
John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the
glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it
felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil!" said the old
nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for
40 years!"

*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*

Finding The Right Girl

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big boobs.

In high school, I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no
passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I
needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited
about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was without
direction.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so
ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big boobs!!

*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*


Wedding Night


The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the
couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a
chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current,
of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised
it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms
buddies received the following note:

"DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK
WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY
GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE SON OF A BITCH
WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!"


*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*

Sperm bank robbery

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the
woman behind the counter and shouts, "open the safe!"

"But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies "it's a
*sperm* bank."

"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.

The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.

"Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says.

"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.

"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"

The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take
another bottle and drink it."

"But sir, I just drank one!"

"Drink another one or I'll shoot you!"

The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When
she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is
surprised to see the robber is her husband.

"Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult, is it?"


*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@


The turmoil of the delivery room changed into silence and
bewilderment as the newborn emerged from its mother. The doctor had
no previous knowledge or historical case studies to aid him in
diagnosing the situation at hand, as he stared at the new born boy,
dumb-founded. The boy was born without eyelids! Time was critical.
The doctor assembled the top residents in the hospital to determine a
course of action, for the baby's sight was truly in peril. A decision
was made. The boy would have his penis circumcised and the foreskin
removed from his penis would be surgically reconstructed into
eyelids. After ten hours in the operating room the doctors emerged.
By this time the word of the baby boy born without eyelids had spread
throughout the city. News reporters and all concerned gathered around
the doctors, anticipating the outcome of the surgery. The doctors
collectively agreed the operation was a success and a monumental
achievement in reconstructive surgery. The crowd cheered and embraced
one another. Reporters scribbled down notes and took pictures.
Suddenly, from the back of the crowd a question emerged: Will there
be any long-term side affects of this operation? The pandemonium of
the jubilant crowd subsided. The silence was nervously painstaking as
the doctors stared at each other. The doctors' heads nodded in unison
and one doctor came forth. Yes, replied the Doctor, there will be one
side affect. The boy's a little Cock-eyed!

*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*
**********************************************************************
*
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on
his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we
made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said,"We were watching the moon landing while she was
conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn
Rubber, why
are you so curious?"

**********************************************************************


The Pharoah was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping
away at the stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the
monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . .
and virile . . . young men."

The chips flew, but then suddently ceased flying, and the
perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your
Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?"

*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREASTFEEDING:

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TODAY'S JOKE: Having An Affair
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And now back to today's joke: Having An Affair

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her
place
where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were
finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his
shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks
(thinking him pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset,
she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My
secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to
her place,
spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see
those are grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again,
haven't
you!?"

==========================================================

Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over
and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was
absolutely
horrified..."Only twenty years of normal sex life?" Yet, the Lord was
adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of
normal
sex life.
Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.
"But, I don't need twenty years," protested the monkey. "Ten years is
plenty
for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?" The
monkey
graciously agreed.
Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The
lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years. Again, man spoke up, "Can I
have
the other ten years?" The lion graciously agreed.
Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years.
But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again,
man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten years?"
And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of
normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion
about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.