Unsorted Jokes
Subject: what you say at home
A young teacher was having a great deal of difficulty trying to
decide
how best to get his point about wildlife across to the students.
While
he was having supper, he and his wife discussed the situation and
she
suggested that he take some deer meat from the freezer and she
would
prepare it for him to take to school and give each child a piece.
Monday morning the fellow took his plate of deer meat to school.
The
teacher started his class on wild animals and then told the class
that
he was going to pass out some meat for each to eat and they could
guess
what it was. As the children were chewing the meat they guessed
Bear!
No said the teacher, Lion again no, tiger again no. Finally the
teacher
said I will give you a hint "it is what your mom calls your
daddy
everyday when he comes home from work. Suddenly little Johnny
jumps up
spits it out and yells to the other children "Spit it out
kids its
asshole".
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
walking 5 miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the
hell she is."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put
down the video
camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least
they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll
forget."
--Michael McShane
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is
just having to
listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when
they're
eating sandwiches."
--Jim Carrey
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't
eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has
spoken.
Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart
everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out
in the
lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to
swim. I
said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we
should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they
should give
you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was
getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I
actually
bought a congressman."
--Bruce Baum
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him
spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals.
We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I
think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give
me advice.
One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be
thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always
say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why
advertise? I already
missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yakov Smirnoff
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
--Bill Maher
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie
Day."
--Jay Mohr
"A women broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and
her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her
dad."
--Christopher Case
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a
pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the
wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my
mother is
attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three
out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on
salad
dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."
--Bob Saget
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom
and
Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog
that is still
far away."
--Billiam Coronell
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to
me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should
hope
not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
"
--Larry Miller
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede
jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I
replied
in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll
have to kill you too."
--Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't
either."
--Dick Cavett
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
--Garry Shandling
"I was a vegetarian
until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years
without a
war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon
there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers.
'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of
me, he's
got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I
could be
eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
me?"
--Marilyn Pittman
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I
think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself.
You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.'
You
know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just
a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same
effect just by
standing up really fast."
--Johnathan Katz
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be
praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
--Lily Tomlin
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that
someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not
color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people
in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just
isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked
something.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my
nose.